The Other Vincent
by Cashmeritan
Summary: Vincent receives a concussion and experiences a complete change in personality, turning into a Casanova who flirts with anyone with a pulse. While the girls are charmed, the guys are determined to change him back. But what is Yuffie planning? Y/V


A/N: Hiya, everybody! Welcome to my first FF7 fanfic. :D I wrote this about a month ago, but it's been delayed due to a bunch of stuff... Not to mention because I thought it was absolutely stupid and too cracktastic for the world to see XDD But I decided to hell with that. I fell down a flight of stairs a week ago and took a few bumps and deformities (my ribs look funky...and I have a reversed disc in my neck? whatever that is...it's affecting my arm though) so I'm almost bed-ridden at this point and have been reading fanfiction a lot, and am now sharing this 'gem'.

The inspiration for this fic came from reading the original character plans for Vincent for the game. Originally, he was intended to be an entirely different sort of character - more of a comic relief and hit-on-every-female type of guy, while his relations with Hojo and Lucretia remained the same. It would have been really interesting to see that kinda Vinnie, especially since Cloud was already playing head Emo. xDD

This takes place Post-DoC. It is a Yuffentine in spirit, but it is technically a crack-Vincent/Everybody. Please enjoy and reviewwww! It will help me feel motivated to write more non-crack fics while I'm stuck here in bed being sad and in pain. -sadface-

Also, please note that I apologize for the awkward writing of the accident scene.

**WARNING: There is a lemon in this story. ohhhhh yeahhhhh!**

00

_**The Other Vincent**_

00

Sometimes, Vincent was thankful that Chaos had been purged from his system. Especially in situations similar to the one he found himself in presently, where he wondered if the idea of Chaos being removed had been some sort of bitter irony.

"Cloud Strife! I thought I told you that Sundays were our days to do things as a _family!_ That means no deliveries, no work, no nothing! You stay at home with us, and we do things together!" Tifa was shouting across the bar, ignorant of whoever was present, her hands fisted at her hips.

Cloud was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, head bowed and silent.

Meanwhile, Barrett and Cid were engaged in a rowdy and exceedingly loud game of cards at a table not far from the one he was seated at.

"Yo! You cheatin', ol' man!" Barrett cried.

"What the fuck are you bitching about now? If you weren't so god-damned shitty at this game, you wouldn't always be accusin' me of cheating!" Cid shouted in response.

Then there was Yuffie. She was gambling again, whether Tifa was aware of the illegal activities going on within her own bar was a matter Vincent wasn't entirely sure of, and she was hunched over a tiny table in the back seated with two muscular goons, rolling a pair of dice and presumably betting over materia. It looked rather amusing, a tiny and pixie-like young woman with two large meat-heads towering over her. He made sure to keep glancing over now and then to make sure she hadn't done anything stupid. He really didn't feel like having to go over and intervene if a fight broke out.

At least Shelke was quiet. She seemed immune to the noise, thumbing the pages of some teenage-level novel. He wished he had that sort of ability to be oblivious to chaos.

Vincent rested his elbow on the table, and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to quell the early stirrings of a headache. All of this was typical of another evening at the Seventh Heaven with the usual bar crowd. He often asked himself why he kept coming, and a voice in the back of his head often answered with, _What__else__do__you__have__to__do?_

"Vincent!" Tifa shouted over to him. He glanced up, dread settling in. _Here__we__go..._ The buxom brunette hurried over, dragging her blond beau in tow before setting him at her side. "I need your opinion, Vincent!"

"On what?" He asked dryly. He glanced at Cloud and felt a small wash of sympathy for the man. Cloud was gazing at him with a slightly pleading undertone.

Tifa took a deep breath, resting her hands on her hips. "If you had a family to take care of, and you lived with a beautiful girlfriend who worked hard every day," at this point she shot Cloud a piercing look as she continued, "To take care of her business and their family, and all she asked in return was that you take _just__one__day__off_so that you could spend time with said family and said beautiful girlfriend... You do it, right?"

It was a trap. He would have to choose between two of his closest friends. The question was irrelevant anyway, Vincent was never going to have that sort of future, and judging from what Cloud was going through at the moment, he felt almost thankful for that.

Cloud raised his shoulders just ever-so-slightly, which Vincent knew to be a sign of the swordsman's admittance of defeat. It would be much less painful for the both of them if he would just play along with the barmaid's wishes.

"Well?" Tifa bent over and leaned in close, keen on obtaining her answer.

"Uhh... Of course, I would?"

"See! See, Cloud? Even Vincent would!" Tifa shot up and jabbed Cloud in the chest with her index finger, smirking.

"I know, Tifa," Cloud said softly. "I'm sorry. I'll take today off, and I'll start taking other Sundays off, too. All right?"

"Good!" she smiled and gave him a chaste kiss before dragging him away. "Thanks, Vincent!" She called, waving.

Finally, alone to his thoughts again. He was about to sink back into the depths of his mind when...

"Yo, Vincent! Come over here, would ya dawg?"

His eyes snapped open and the sanguine orbs boiled in frustration. He acquiesced, and rose from his chair, taking measured steps to the two men's table.

"This damn idiot keeps accusin' me of cheatin'!" Cid snapped. "I don't know what the fuck's his problem, but I just don't give a shit at this point."

"Yo Vin, what do you think?" Barrett asked, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest.

Vincent looked down at the messy pile of cards on the table and could decipher nothing from them. He looked up and at each of their expectant faces before finally saying, "I think it's just a game."

Barrett seethed, "I don't know why I asked you anyway!" He grumbled and looked away, while Cid burst out laughing and lit a cigarette between his lips.

"That's probably the most fucking sensible complete sentence you've ever fuckin' said, Valentine!" he cried, reaching out and patting the gunman's arm. Vincent said nothing, he just turned to return to his chair when he caught sight of the two heavily-muscled men at Yuffie's table standing up suddenly and flipping her table, grinding their fists into their palms as she shrank back and waved her hands frantically to try and calm them down.

"H-Hey, guys! Guys, take it easy! I didn't mean to upset any of you!" Her eyes were wide, and she quickly rose from her chair and grabbed her Conformer that had been resting up against the wall behind her. "I don't want to have to get violent on any of you, 'cause I'm warnin' you! You're dealing with the Great Ninja Yuffie, here! The White Rose of Wutai... and I won't go easy on either of you!"

The men only advanced on her, growling and cracking their knuckles. Yuffie gulped and turned around, before her eyes fell on Vincent.

"V-Vinnie! A little help here!" she cried weakly.

Vincent glanced up at the ceiling, wondering if there was a deity up there who thought it would be fun to inflict as much annoyance upon him as possible in one afternoon, in one room, in one hour, really. He released a sigh and withdrew his Death Penalty, stalking over to the two men and gently pushing Yuffie aside, stepping in front of her.

"I suggest you two leave," he instructed the two men. His voice was low, cold and absolutely dangerous as he cocked his weapon, alternating between pointing it at one enemy's face and then the other's.

The two exchanged looks before presumably deciding it would be in their best interest not to fuck with this guy, and they filed out of the bar, one of them kicking the over-turned table on his way out as a last touch.

Yuffie had her back pressed against the wall, her heart pounding. She looked up at Vincent and grinned. "Oh, Vinnie! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought I was a goner back there!" Upon realizing what saying that did to her reputation, she cleared her throat and hastily revised it with, "I mean, I'm good and all, but I'm out of my element today a-and they're both really strong, a-and..."

"You're welcome, Yuffie." Vincent glanced over his shoulder at her. "You shouldn't gamble in Tifa's bar. You'll keep getting yourself into trouble like this, and I'll keep having to save you."

Yuffie blushed. "Well, you don't _always_ have to save me..."

"I've had to save you each time now."

She poked her fingers together shyly. "Oh, right..."

Vincent ran his gloved hand through his hair and sighed as he finally made his way back to his table. Well, it seemed that was all the trouble he could encounter, at least for now. None of the others would be capable of being as uniquely irresponsible as-

What happened next was so intricate, so elaborate in how it actually occurred, that is difficult to accurately describe just _how_ it actually happened. As Vincent made his way back to his table across the bar, Denzel and Marlene were engaged in a game of tag, and they brushed past Vincent a bit too strongly as their game led them through the aisle, knocking him off balance... He stumbled, and Shelke dropped that teen novel she had been reading, cursing to herself softly. Barrett flung his right arm so strongly while engaged in arguing with Cid, that he knocked over the drink belonging to the woman seated at the table to the right of him, and he immediately began to apologize profusely. The drink had fallen on the floor, the mug in tact, but all of the coffee previously held within it was now splayed all over the floor next to Shelke's table and the table Vincent had been seated at. Vincent was too disoriented from being knocked around by the children... He did not notice any of this, he stepped backwards, slipped on the woman's coffee drink and spun around, slid forward and tried to steady himself only to trip over Shelke's trendy novel, and CRACK.

It would have been hilarious if he had gotten up.

Vincent had hit his head hard on the chair belonging to the little table behind Shelke's. He was lying face-down, his front covered in coffee, and Shelke's novel tucked snugly under his left boot. A trail of liquid starting where the spill had occurred trailing all the way to his unconscious form was zigzag'ed on the floor. Those who had witnessed the accident were shocked into silence.

The cigarette in Cid's mouth fell from his lips into his lap while he wasn't paying attention, and began to burn its way through the seat of his pants until finally he broke the silence by yowling in pain and crying, "My mother-fucking crotch is on fire! God-dammit, my fucking dick's gonna be on fire!" Someone leaned over and generously poured a cold beverage over the now-singed area, and Cid quieted down.

The rest of the bar had fallen quiet when it became apparent that something was amiss, something bad had happened.

It was quiet again for a moment before someone asked, "Is he dead?"

Shelke reached down and gently tugged her novel free from beneath his leg, shaking the coffee off of it. She crinkled her nose in disgust and disappointment; it was completely sodden.

Tifa, Cloud, Yuffie and Barrett all rushed over the best that they could while trying to avoid the slippery mess. Cid was still in a rather compromised position himself, so he tried to crane his neck from where he was seated and see what was going on.

"Vincent?"

"V-Vinnie?"

"...Vincent?"

"YO, Vin!"

Tifa gently lifted the cloaked gunman's head, and gestured for the others to turn him over. Yuffie was delighted to be positioned near his posterior end, and even more delighted that she would be near his groin.

Once they got him on his back, Tifa could make out blood matted in his hair, and attempted to rouse him to no avail.

Yuffie chewed her lip nervously. "_Is_ he dead?" she inquired, her eyes swimming in tears.

"No, he's not dead," Tifa said. "I think he's just... Got a concussion, or something."

"Yo, we gotta get him to a hospital or some place, STAT," Barrett declared, pounding his fist into his palm. Cloud nodded firmly, and Cid waved his hand in the distance.

"Now you little shits better not forget about me!"

00

The group now occupied a spacious 2-bed ER room, waiting anxiously for news from the doctor surrounding whether or not Vincent would be discharged soon. Oh, and Cid, too.

Cid occupied one bed, bandages wrapped around his groin as he alternated between strings of curses.

Vincent lay in the other, motionless and seemingly lifeless, although his vitals on the machines showed that his body was doing just fine. Tifa and Yuffie crowded him on his hospital bed, each clutching one of his hands, and instead of his usual crimson head-wrappings, he now had white medical ones surrounding his cranium and the top of his left eye.

Cloud stood in the corner, arms folded across his chest, looking almost envious of the attention Tifa was fixing Vincent with. Barrett was wiping tears from his eyes, sniffing intermittently.

"It's just that, ya know? I din't mean to be mean or nothin', I jes'...I jes' din't want Cid to cheat! And I thought that Vincent would prove that he was cheatin' and-and-and he didn't and I lost my temper and I said some mean things! And now look at him!" He turned around and embraced the blond swordsman from the side, his large form shaking with sobs. Cloud did not look pleased in the slightest to be used as a shoulder to cry on, he looked up at the ceiling as if asking some God up there, _Why?__Why__me?_

Tifa was frowning in concern as she gave Vincent's hand a gentle squeeze. "I know you'll pull through, Vincent. I just know it. I'm so sorry this had to happen in my bar... And I imposed on you just a few minutes before, bothering you with petty relationship advice about me and Cloud, and just... I feel so awful! If only I had been there right when the spill happened to push you out of the way and mop it up before you slipped, or if I had told Denzel and Marlene to stay outside and play. I really should learn to run a bar better... Oh, God – what if the health inspectors hear about this? I'm so screwed... Oh, Vincent I'm so sorry!"

Yuffie was a tearful mess, holding Vincent's other hand (they had removed the clawed gauntlet that he faithfully wore on his left hand) up to her cheek and sobbing. "Oh, Vinnie! You're right! I shouldn't have been-" She glanced at Tifa to make sure that she wasn't paying attention, "-gambling! I should be more careful and stay out of trouble! If I hadn't called you over to save me you wouldn't ha-have...Oh, what if you die or become brain-damaged and you have to go poop in a bag the rest of your life or you have to learn how to speak again! It will be all my fault! But you know what, Vinnie? I'll never leave you, I'll always be there and I will love you no matter what! I will never ask them to pull the plug!" At this point she started to wail uncontrollably.

Cloud massaged his temples.

Cid grumbled. "No one's sorry I burned my fucking crotch, now are they?"

"That's your own freakin' fault, old man!" Yuffie snapped through her sobs.

"Oh, shut the hell up, brat!"

Just then, the fingers on Vincent's fingers began to twitch. Shortly after, his hands began to stir. His arms twitched, all the way up to his shoulders, and the same happened with his toes, feet, and legs. His eyes fluttered open, but Yuffie was too busy bickering with Cid to notice, and Tifa was crying quietly into her hands as she lamented the possibility of the Seventh Heaven being closed down.

The lips on Vincent's face twitched, pursed, and then spread into a wide smirk. He reached out and snatched the first thing he could, which was Yuffie's arm. Just as she whirled around to say something her words fell to silence as she was pulled down on top of the ex-turk and pulled into a very deep and very passionate kiss.

"What the fuck! Now that's something I never in a million years thought I'd ever fucking see! _He's kissing the fucking brat!_"

All eyes were instantly on the form lying on the bed, and the kunoichi who was awkwardly bent over him with her eyes as wide as saucers as she made soft noises of protest as she was kissed so passionately it made the on-lookers blush. Even Cid had to clear his throat softly and look away.

Vincent slid his hand down Yuffie's form and grabbed her butt, and she yelped and pushed away from him.

"Who are you and what have you done with Vincent?" she demanded breathlessly, her cheeks flushed and her hair tousled.

This man whom she was practically straddling was without a doubt the Vincent that they had brought in to the Emergency Room earlier this afternoon. The doctors couldn't have swapped him out for some freaky Vincent look-alike during the treatment process...could they?

The entire group gaped, and Tifa sprang up from the bed as quick as she could, seeking the sanctity of Cloud's arms.

Yuffie pulled back, and studied the man in front of her. Was this really Vincent? _'Oh, Lucrecia, my_ DARLING_ you simply _MUSN'T_ or else my_ HEART_ will just _DIE_ and I will sleep in a_ COFFIN_ and I will hate the entirety of the world and find Yuffie Kisaragi, even though she is the most gorgeous thing in the entire world, a true nuisance'_ Vincent? Upon really inspecting him, the only difference from their usual Vincent, Yuffie deduced, aside from, you know, the hospital gown and the white wrappings and IV and cords, were his eyes. Instead of the usual hardness and seriousness his gaze usually held, especially when fixed on her of all people, his eyes... were wild. There was just something almost feral about them, and she didn't know if it was good or bad, but oh BABY it made her loins moist, who cares if there were people in the room!

"'Who am I'?" This strange-Vincent mocked. "What are you talking about, sweetheart?" His voice was low and husky.

Tifa swallowed and shifted her weight uncomfortably.

Yuffie's lower lip quivered as she struggled not to get lost in those eyes. She very awkwardly slid off of him and her entire body was shaking as one hand reached up to touch her lips, still puffy from that beautiful and wonderful kiss she had just received barely moments prior, and she locked eyes with Tifa and grinned like a maniac.

With immaculate timing, there was a knock at the door and the attending ER Physician entered, holding a file. Upon seeing his patient was awake and oriented, he smiled broadly. "Ah! I see we're finally awake."

There seemed to be something entirely off about their usually silent and brooding companion. His smiles were usually small and few, his words were carefully chosen and meaningful. His actions had meaning.

It was as if he had been replaced by some evil twin...

This Vincent smiled smugly at the doctor's acknowledgment of his wakefulness. "Yes, I am. Does that I mean I can go home now?"

"As long as you have close supervision for the next 24 hours, you are fine to go home. If you have any strange symptoms, just report back to me. I'll disclose my number and will be on-call here at the hospital," the doctor said with a smile.

Vincent scanned the room and his eyes bounced from Tifa to Yuffie, smiling wolfishly. "What do you say, ladies? Shall you two agree to supervise me_ closely_ for the next 24 hours?" he drawled.

Both women swallowed quickly and their cheeks tinted, and Yuffie quickly nodded her head and turned to the doctor, hurriedly saying, "I'll make sure he gets his proper care!"

"Good! Then I'll have a nurse come in and prepare you for discharge promptly. Here are his papers, I've included a prescription for pain-killers and care instructions ahead of time." He turned towards Yuffie, handing her the file. He waved to the others and left the room.

Cloud however, was not keen on letting this sudden personality change go unnoticed. He followed the doctor out the door and flagged him down.

"Excuse me, doctor?"

"Yes?" The doctor was already signing the discharge sheets at the nurse's station.

"Are there ever any... weird side effects to a concussion? Like, say, a sudden and complete reversal of the patient's personality?"

The doctor appeared to contemplate this, pursing his lips. "Hm... It's not impossible. I've heard of it occurring before, but it should be temporary. Just try to play along with it the best that you can, should it happen."

Somehow, Cloud had a bad feeling about the next couple days.

00

Vincent was free of his head-wrappings and back to his old uniform, and now took to perching himself in the middle of the bar where he could see and be seen by the hottest ladies, and proceed to flirt with them.

"Isn't he just the most dreamy guy you've ever seen?" One customer sighed to Tifa as she ran her finger around the ring of her glass on the bar counter, gazing at Vincent from afar. "He has such a way of talking to a girl, and those eyes..."

Tifa smiled, her cheeks heating up. Immediately though, she tried to shake the thoughts crawling in her head. _No! __I __love __Cloud!_ "Yeah, he is, isn't he?" she replied, wiping down a glass. She hoped that whatever the doctor had told Cloud was true, for her own sake at least. She couldn't take it much longer...

Whenever she walked down the hallway and he was walking the opposite direction and their shoulders brushed and she would try to get an apology out, but he would stop her and clutch her chin between his thumb and forefinger and gaze into her eyes and whisper that no, the fault had been his. Her heart would rattle wildly within her rib-cage and she would question her fidelity with Cloud.

Was Vincent secretly a sex-God all along and this concussion had just let him release those secret inner powers? She had always known he was very attractive, but he was brooding and withdrawn so he never socialized with anyone and he acted as though everyone was a burden to be around. Also, she had a soft spot for Cloud, whom she was in love with.

She smiled to herself as she thought of how Yuffie must be reacting to this new Vincent after the initial hospital kissing experience.

She smirked to herself when she thought of how Yuffie was taking this new Vincent.

More than once, she had walked in on them in the storage room with Vincent's face buried in the young woman's neck, and she would give Yuffie a thumbs up before quickly closing the door.

Hell, even Shera got flustered around this new Vincent...

She had popped in to give Cid his pack of cigarettes that he had left at home, and Vincent had been upon her the moment she had stepped inside, taking her wrist in his hand and complimenting her 'exquisite, intelligent-looking' beauty. Shera struggled not to slide to the floor and faint, and Cid stomped over and smacked Vincent's hand away, obviously displeased.

It was when Vincent began to show signs of advancing on Shelke as well that Barrett spoke up one night, waiting until Vincent had retreated to his bedroom for the evening.

"This is jes' freakin' wrong, man! I don't know when he's supposed to go back to 'normal', or if he ever will, but now I dunno if I even want him around if he ever changes back, man! This dude's turned creepy!" Barrett cried, pacing back and forth across the bar. "He's even started hitting on Shelke, yo! And she's like...10 years old or some shit, she's like a baby, and he's some kind of sick twisted pedophile now! He just flirts with any vagina-totin' being!"

"He's fucking right!" Cid joined in, banging his arm on the table where he was seated. "He's been eyein' up my Shera ever since he first fucking laid eyes on her! All she ever does when she fucking sees him is 'ooooh' and 'ahhhh' and shit and swoon like some brainless floosy! That ain't the bitch I married! It's like he's got some god-damned psychic powers to make women fall in love with him at first sight!"

Tifa glanced up mid-wipe, then quickly looked back down and hastily went back to her cleaning.

Cloud was steaming, perched atop a bar-stool in front of the counter, arms crossed. "I trusted that man... Now he struts around like some pretty-boy and touches any woman he pleases. Tifa is my girlfriend, and she's not interested in that... that... that man-whore!"

His girlfriend on the other hand, stiffened and blushed, nervously wiping the same spot over and over again.

"Yo man, I think Tifa says otherwise!" Barrett said with a laugh.

Cloud whipped his head around and his eyes narrowed. "Tifa, don't tell me... You too?"

Tifa threw her arms behind her back and shuffled her feet awkwardly. "I-I... He's just charming. He knows what to say to women."

"Knows what to say? _Knows__what__to__say_?" Cloud's mako-colored gaze darkened and he rose from his stool. "We have to stop this madness!"

"Now that's what I'm fucking talkin' about! Taking some goddamn action!" Cid stood as well, pumping his fist in the air.

Barrett jumped to his feet, raising his gun arm in a salute. "YEAH!" He then faltered, lowering it as he said, "Wait... If this all was caused by a concussion, what are we gonna do about it?"

The others lost their gusto as well, and Tifa appeared to be thankful for this.

Cid placed his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Well, fuck me."

"If a concussion caused this..." Cloud ventured, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his chin as he contemplated. "... Maybe another concussion will knock him out of it!"

The two others exchanged blank stares, but then turned back to their blond-haired leader and shrugged.

"Well, I don't fuckin' know. It's the only thing we have left," Cid gave in.

"It's so crazy, it jus' might work..." Barrett said with confidence.

Tifa's hands flew to her hips. "Cloud Strife, you're not going to do that! You'll kill the man!"

"It's better than him sleeping with the entire female population of Edge!" Cloud snapped.

She threw her dish towel in his face and stormed off, flipping off the 3 men as she went.

"Yeah, so when do we start?"

00

The three men huddled inside the bar, whispering in hushed voices.

"Are you sure this'll work?" Barrett hissed. He was sweating bullets and kept dabbing at his forehead with a napkin.

"It should be fine," Cloud assured him. "All you have to do is when you see him approaching the bar, you call to him from the side of the building and say you need help. When he comes over, BAM! Make sure to either knock him out cold or knock him until he looks like the good old pissed off Vincent."

The darker man swallowed nervously. "I jus' don't want him pulling out that Death whatever on me and shooting me when I'm least expectin' it, y'all know what I'm sayin'?"

Cid was chewing on the filter of his unlit cigarette. "Are you sure we shouldn't all gang up on the fucker? I mean then we're sure it's a done deal."

Cloud shook his head. "Then it will look suspicious. Barrett's the largest and strongest of us, one blow from him should do the trick without doing much permanent damage."

"Man, I hope we don't cause like... Brain damage or some shit," Barrett poked his index fingers together.

"Well, not like we could get fucking sued. He has no living relatives," Cid pointed out.

"Man, we're horrible people!"

"Whatever, just get out there and get ready! He should be returning from that errand Tifa sent him out on any minute," Cloud hurried him.

Barrett nodded and quickly exited the bar, rounding the corner and waiting along the side. The story sounded totally bogus, the old Vincent would never in a million years fall for it.

Ten minutes passed, and sure enough there came Vincent sauntering up (he even walked different! What a pansy!) towards the entrance, when Barrett got his bearings and called out.

"Yo, Vincent! Could ya come here a sec?"

The gunman stopped and peered the alleyway between the bar and the next building. He made his way down the alleyway.

"Sure, what do you require my assistance for, Bonnet?"

Barrett flinched. "It's Barrett," he dead-panned. Oh, this bitch was definitely going down!

Vincent lifted his head and locked eyes with Barrett, and his gaze was suddenly sympathetic. "Oh, I apologize... I didn't mean to mispronounce your name... I imagine you're quite upset with me right about now."

Barrett stared back into the crimson orbs and started to get lost, and stuttered, "Uhh... N-No, it's fine..."

Vincent stepped closer. "No, I should know better..."

Barrett took a step back, wondering how Vincent's eyes could glow in the darkness of the alleyway. Man, no wonder all the chicks were digging this shit. Wait... did he just admit...

"Man, don't try coming on to me now too!" Barrett cried as he shoved Vincent away and took off down the alley back to the bar, he burst through the entrance and returned to his companions, who got hopeful looks.

"Well? Didja take 'im out?" Cid asked.

Barrett shook his head. "He...He!"

They leaned in.

"I couldn't do it, man! It was creepy! He started like coming all close to me, and those eyes, and like I think he was coming on to me!" Barrett blurted out.

The pair of men seated before him paled.

"Vincent's subconscious... is gay?" Cloud whispered.

"I don't know, man!" Barrett took a seat and started rocking back and forth. "And... he has these like voodoo magic powers, I don't know, I swear on my life I love titties but I think it was almost working!"

Cid's cigarette fell from his lips and fell into the seat of his pants, harkening back to the earlier incident.

"Yo man, your pants is gonna be on fire again," Barrett said, picking up the cigarette.

"This just got a lot more awkward and difficult," Cloud mused out loud. "If Barrett couldn't do it... I guess I'll try doing it."

Cid scowled. "I don't want that fucker coming on to me! Nuh-uh, no way! You try it, Strife, if that doesn't work we just send him back where we fucking found him in that creepy fucking mansion! He can make it some kind of depraved sex mansion where all these girls go to get-"

"All right, man that's enough!" Barrett cried.

Cloud sighed. "I guess I have to approach this from a different angle..."

00

The next morning before dawn, Cloud made sure to rouse earlier than the others, knowing that Vincent tended to be an early riser. He crept downstairs, relief flooding his veins upon seeing that the gun-toting man was already seated and sipping from a steaming mug. That mug would make a fitting weapon, it was surely blunt enough. It was awful that things had had to come to this. Cloud knit his brow and hopped onto the stool next to Vincent's.

"Hey, buddy!" Cloud greeted him, elbowing the man beside him playfully and forcing the biggest, most fake (and probably most painful) toothy smile he could muster.

Vincent sipped. "Good morning, Cloud. I hope that you slept well, presumably after having a wonderful night of fun with that goddess you are lucky to call yours."

Cloud fought the cringe, he fought the urge to pound his fist straight into the jaw of this pale, black-haired, red-eyed, same-outfit-as-the-old-Vincent-wearing, sad excuse for Vincent, but instead he clenched a fist behind his back, trying to chuckle. "Eh-heh-heh... Yeah, well you know what they say... Uh... Yeah..."

"Hmm." Vincent paused, his mug almost touching his lips when his murky blood-stained irises slid in Cloud's direction. "No, unfortunately, I don't. What is it that they say?" The corner of his lip curled upward.

The blond at his side hadn't been expecting that one. He glanced down at his lap awkwardly, looked up at Vincent to find his eye still trained on his, and he coughed. "Um, well. Uh, I don't know either!" he replied with a nervous laugh. "Ha ha!...ha...ha..."

A smirk spread across Vincent's lips as he took an achingly slow sip from his mug, tilting his head back to offer the view of the his Adam's apple moving and his throat contracting as the fluid coursed down his throat. Cloud wasn't quite sure why he was watching. The former Turk swallowed and set his mug down, sighing.

"That's a pity," he lamented.

"Uh... Yeah, yeah it is," Cloud murmured. He didn't even know what he was talking about at this point.

Vincent swung his head in his direction, his hair falling in his eyes and he smirked. "What is it you want from me, Cloud? You seem rather tense. It's not like you."

Cloud couldn't help but notice how the sun filtering through the window caught his eyes in just the right way so as to illuminate them, implying that they were glowing. He swallowed nervously and tugged at his collar. Was this what Barrett had been talking about?

"I gotta go!" He jumped off the stool and ran, ran as fast as he could up the stairs, away from that man.

Vincent merely shrugged and went back to sipping his beverage.

00

"You were totally right!" Cloud exclaimed in awe, as the three men met in the storage room that night. "He's totally got something about him that just... it just wigs people out! Either he's trying to seduce them, or that's just how he is, or we're all gay!"

"Nuh-uh, y'all may be a bunch of fucking sissies, but I'm confident in my sexuality and I don't find that girly pretty-boy attractive in any sense of the word 'attractive'!" Cid cried, kicking around an empty box.

Barrett paced around in a circle. "I think it's just him, man! He just has this way of freakin' people out! Maybe it just makes us think we're gay, when really we aren't! Yeah, that has to be it!"

"Yeah, you keep tellin' yourselves that!" Cid cut in with a jeering laugh.

Cloud sank to the floor, shaking his head. "I don't know what to do about it. I just couldn't go through with it... I think this Vincent is here to stay."

"Makes me feel kinda bad when I used to think he was an emo asshole who didn't say nothin' to no one," Barrett reflected with a sigh. "Now I just wish he'd have stayed that way! Instead, now he's just goin' round doin' the opposite!"

Cid lit a cigarette and took a drag, then exhaled a spiral of smoke. "Like I fucking said, send him back to that fucking mansion!"

"I think we better just get used to him, and just accept him for his... womanizing ways," Cloud said reluctantly.

"Maybe you're right, man," Barrett said quietly.

00

Meanwhile, Yuffie had brewing a plan that was almost quite the opposite. She approached Tifa quietly one night, sneaking up behind the heavily-endowed young woman and then putting a finger to her lips to ensure she stayed silent. Beckoning her to follow her to somewhere they could speak in absolutely privacy, she indulged Tifa in a scheme that she had been tossing around in her head for a few days, her eyes dancing wildly.

"You want to _what_?" Tifa whispered harshly, not quite sure she had heard the first time.

"You heard me! I want to trap Vincent in my room so that if he ever goes back to normal, he's stuck there and hopefully he won't react too badly to _suddenly_ appearing there _suddenly_ naked and tied to my bed!"

"Exactly what part of that makes sense?"

"I'm not sure! I just want him ready and willing for as long as I can have him!" Yuffie exclaimed, clasping her hands to her chest. "I've wanted him ever since I laid eyes on him, he was the most handsome man I had ever seen, but he's only ever seen me as this stupid little kid. Now, I can prove that I'm Yuffie... Voluptuous, sexy, all grown-up sex extraordinaire!"

The look on the young woman's face was too genuine for Tifa to dispute, so she merely rested a hand on her shoulder. "Somehow I don't think that Vincent will react favorably to this, Yuff."

"Well, why not? I'm sexy naked!"

"...Well, if he suddenly came to and he was naked tied to a bed in your room and you were naked, he'd be more shocked wondering how he got there and..."

"That stuff would all become irrelevant as soon as I lowered my head and wrapped my lips around his-"

00

Another couple days passed, making it nearly two weeks since the injury had occurred, and the men were still waiting anxiously as each hour passed, hoping that Vincent would suddenly 'wake up' and start hating everything again. The women seemed to want to prolong his lusty ways for as long as possible, however.

"Oh, Vincent! What kind of shampoo do you use on your hair, it's so beautiful and shiny!"

Vincent chuckled huskily as two young bar-goers surrounded him, and he flashed them a pure ladykiller smile. "I use whatever shampoo the girls I reside with have purchased. My hair is naturally like this." The women murmured words of envy, sighing at the beauty of his long black wisps of hair.

Cloud stewed. "Just because I gave up on getting rid of him doesn't mean I started liking him, Teef," He grumbled to his girlfriend.

"Oh, hush. At the very least he's brought in about 20 percent more business in the past week alone! Beautiful men sell!" She informed him.

He merely returned to grumbling.

"Vincent! I, uh... need your help with something!" Yuffie's voice abruptly came from the top of the stairs.

Vincent turned to the women and flashed them an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, ladies, but duty calls." He turned and followed Yuffie's voice, finding her damp and wrapped in a towel on the top step.

"I think there's something in my room!" the girl cried. "I don't want to go in there alone, and I know you have your Death Penalty, and you always protect me... Will you go in with me?" She batted her eyelashes as charmingly as she could while looking like a drowned rat.

Vincent smirked and dragged his index finger along her cheek. "Of course I will, princess. It would be an honor."

Yuffie grinned, watching as he led the way to her bedroom, and inside she was cackling like a witch.

As soon as they had entered her bedroom, she shut the door behind her and locked the lock that she had installed herself that morning, to which only she had the key. Oh, she was so good!

"Yuffie-" He turned around, and Yuffie discarded her towel and jumped him.

"Take me now, Vinnie! No more foreplay or heavy touching, I want you to take me now!"

Vincent's eyes widened from beneath the naked ninja, but he wasn't going to turn down the offer.

0

It couldn't have gone more according to plan. Vincent was eating right out of her hand, and other places. Gawd, why hadn't she tried doing this with his old self earlier? Oh right, he probably would have shot his way out through her window and not spoken to her for the rest of her life. Still.

They had wound up on her bed, and she had convinced him to let her use these 'cool handcuffs Tifa let her borrow'. Who knew Vincent was such a kinky guy? She had to keep that in mind for later, she thought with a lewd smile as she handcuffed him to the bed and continued her business.

She had shifted a little too awkwardly while she was on top, and the poor thing! She slammed a little too hard against him and he smacked his head against the headboard. She cringed, remembering his recent concussion.

"You okay, Vinnie?" she asked, leaning down and checking his pupils just as the doctor had instructed her to do in case repeat trauma were to occur.

The man beneath her blinked a few times, looked up at her, and his eyes widened to sizes she had never seen on any human being and he made this weird noise that sounded like the strangest kind of moan she'd ever heard.

Okay, this guy was definitely kinky. Head-hitting must really turn him on...

00

CRACK!

"You okay, Vinnie?"

Vincent blinked a few times as his vision came into focus, and he began to question his surroundings. There was something going on between his legs, and...

A face lowered over his, and when he was able to focus and recognize whose it was...

Panic. Panic struck him. What was going on? What kind of sick nightmare was this? What kind of joke? His eyes widened and he tried to scream but it got stuck in his throat.

Yuffie. Yuffie was on top of him. And he was having sex with her.

A quick glance around told him that they were doing it in her bedroom. He tried to move one of his arms, and panic struck him yet again. He was trapped.

His lips parted, and he meant to say something when he fully realized what was going on.

The young woman straddling him tossed her hair back, her hands pressed on his chest as she rocked her hips against his and made soft noises. Whatever part of him that had been trying to escape this situation instantly gave in at the sight, and Vincent cursed his primal instincts. How the hell did he get into this situation? Yuffie must've gotten him good. Was she using poisons now?

"Yu-Yuffie," he groaned softly, his one unbound hand finding her hip. The girl gazed down at him, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shining, her lips slightly swollen. Her hair was all messy, and he felt the tips of his ears redden. She was gorgeous like this.

"V-Vinnie...I can't..."

It had been years since Vincent had copulated with a girl, and now that he had conscious control over it, he was rather overwhelmed with the situation he was being presented with. His eyes widened as he cursed, trying to prevent the inevitable. He gripped her hip tighter, grinding them against his own as a soft growl resonated from deep within his throat. Something broke within him as soon as she threw her head back and her breasts bounced particularly high.

He felt like some high school virgin experiencing this sort of thing for the first time and lasting only 10 seconds. He blushed as he released, and he felt the quaking reactions of her release shortly after that caused her to collapse on his chest breathlessly.

"Damn, Vinnie! That was great! I didn't know you were so kinky!"

Vincent knit his brow in confusion. "Yuffie, I don't-"

She pulled herself up, grinning. Her cheeks were flushed a bright pink, and his eyes couldn't help but soften at the sight. He reached up with his free hand and stroked her cheek gently.

"I nearly lost it earlier when you pinned me down and-"

"When did I do that?" He demanded and drew his hand back like it had been burned, a cold feeling of dread sweeping over him.

Yuffie gave him a strange look, before grinning. "It was between the floor and when I handcuffed you, silly."

A silence ensued that probably would have been more comfortable to endure had there been crickets chirping in the background.

"Yuffie, why am I up here in your room, naked?" Vincent asked her slowly.

Her eyes widened, and she shrank back. "Oh shit, Tifa jinxed it!"

"Jinxed what? Yuffie!" Vincent gave her a dark look. "Did you drug me or something? Why does my head hurt?"

"Ohmygawd, ohmygawd! Please don't kill me, Vincent! It's a long, long story!" Yuffie waved her hands frantically.

"Un-cuff me, give me my clothes and let me go, and I will consider letting you live," Vincent growled.

"Was the sex that bad?" Yuffie squeaked, clapping her hands over her reddened face in embarrassment, tears of humiliation pricking at her eyes.

He froze, and a blush crept over his cheeks. He turned his face away, hair falling over his features. "That's not part of this matter. Just do as I said."

"Y-Yes, sir!"

00

A half-hour later and the red-clothed enigma retreated to the bar, clutching his head and looking rather grumpy. He felt utterly confused. The last thing he remembered had been saving Yuffie from another heap of trouble, and then slipping and falling. Did he hit his head? Did Yuffie take advantage of him while he was unconscious?

Vincent sat down at the bar next to Cloud, and turned to address him when the blond suddenly leaped from his seat and dashed across the room to acquire another place to sit. Strange.

He shrugged and turned to face Tifa, smiling weakly. "Tifa, I was hoping you could help me figure a few things out. You see, I-"

A huge blush crossed her cheeks, and the barmaid squeaked, shaking her head briskly. "I-I'm sorry, Vincent! I don't have time to flirt right now!" She retreated to the kitchen so fast, he didn't have time to ponder her words or the meaning until long after she was gone.

Once they had settled in, he nearly fell off his seat. Tifa? Flirting? He glanced across the room at Cloud who was conveniently also looking at him at the same moment. The instant they made eye contact, the blond swordsman ducked his head down.

Vincent's eyes narrowed. Was this some horrifying backwards dream? First he woke up having sex with Yuffie, now Cloud's avoiding him, and now Tifa's avoiding him too and saying something about flirting? He clutched his head, feeling a painful pounding pulse rhythmically for a few moments.

He stood and was going to find Barrett or Cid or possibly even Shelke to hopefully put an end to this madness, when he was approached by two young women who were staring at him with eyes full of creepy adoration. Were they fans of AVALANCHE?

"Um, hello?" he greeted them awkwardly.

"Oh, Vincent! We're so glad to see you again! Is your concussion all gone?" One girl gushed.

"Concussion?" Vincent repeated, blinking in surprise.

"Poor thing! I wonder if he has amnesia..." The other girl not-so-discreetly whispered to the other. "We were wondering if you would like to sit with us today again!"

He merely stared at them, his gaze bouncing from one to the other. "I'm sorry, but I'm kind of preoccupied."

The girls looked disappointed. One of them piped up. "Oh, do you like my dress today?" She spun around and posed. "I wore it just for my visit with you today!"

Now things were just getting creepier and creepier. Vincent wished he could retreat back to the Shinra mansion and hide in that coffin and rest for a good month or two, hoping that all of this madness would be gone by then.

"I suppose it looks..." He examined it. He wasn't sure what girls wanted to have their clothes called. Tifa always called Marlene's outfits adorable, but that was a little girl. This was a woman who had to be around 20. "Uh...It looks nice?"

It seemed to be enough to satisfy them, any word he said was music to their ears. They swooned and giggled in each other's arms, and he used that time to make his escape, dashing into the storage room to hide. Perhaps no one would find him there. He pressed his back to the door and sighed.

"Something's wrong with those people," he murmured.

"You're one to talk!"

At the sound of Cid's voice, Vincent's head snapped up. "Oh, Cid. I'm sorry... I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just trying to get away from those... Strange girls. I'm not quite sure where they came from."

Cid took a drag from his cigarette. "You aren't gonna come over here and try an' fucking seduce me like you did to Cloud and Barrett are you? Cause I'm fucking warning you now, one step in this direction, and this cigarette will be in your little pretty-boy eye!"

"I...Like I did to...What?" Vincent felt light-headed. "What's going on with everyone around here?" He sank to the floor. "I wake up in Yuffie's bed, my head hurts, everyone is avoiding me or treating me strangely..."

"Now just wait a goddamned second..." Cid put out his cigarette and crept closer. "Are you...Are you the real Vincent? The true fucking Vincent Valentine?"

Vincent gave him the blankest stare possible.

"You ain't gonna fucking use that voodoo magic everyone's been blabberin' about where you look at someone and they get all gaga over you?" Cid asked, leaning over him and tilting the gunman's head up as he flipped the light-switch on and tried to examine his pupils.

"Is this some kind of stupid game Yuffie has put you up to?" Vincent growled. "Because if it is, I swear..."

"Holy shit!" Cid jumped back. "It is you! You are the real Vincent! Thank fucking Shiva!" He pulled Vincent up forcefully and crushed him in the tightest hug possible. "Finally! Our women are safe! WE are safe! Hallelujah!"

He released him quickly and flung the door open, running out and shouting loudly, "He's cured! Everyone, the man is fucking cured! We're all saved!"

Heads turned and lifted all across the bar, but to those who understood what Highwind was pertaining to, a miracle had just happened.

Upstairs, Yuffie heaved a sigh. "It's my fault, I know it..." She unhooked the hand-cuffs from the bed. "At least he didn't say the sex was bad..."

Cloud, Barrett, and Tifa all made their way over as fast as they could.

"Are you sure?" Tifa cried, her eyes alight in excitement. Finally! She could rest assured that she loved Cloud, and only Cloud. No more awkward thoughts about Vincent!... Hopefully...

"I'm sure I'm sure!" Cid lit a cigarette and took a long drag. "That man is fucking clueless about everything that happened!"

Cloud and Barrett exchanged relieved looks. They could rest assured that they were indeed only attracted to the fairer sex, and that Vincent wouldn't be a threat to every woman in sight anymore. Cloud didn't have to worry about losing Tifa, not that he was _truly_ worried about it or anything...

Vincent stepped out of the storage closet, scowling. "Will someone _please_ tell me what the hell is going on?"

Yuffie flopped down the stairs begrudgingly, her hair still mussed up from previous activities, and she was wearing her shirt backwards and inside out.

"Yuffie! Did _you_ do it?" All eyes fell on the girl standing at the foot of the stairs.

A blush etched itself across her face as she hung her head and poked her shoes together. "We-e-ell, you see..."

"Yes. Yes she did," Vincent supplied quickly. "Now. What happened when I fell?"

A series of groans broke out amongst his friends.

"You got a concussion and lost consciousness," Tifa told him. "We took you to the hospital..."

"I burnt my fucking crotch with my cigarette!" Cid cried.

"When you woke up, you were saucy as all git out! The first thing you did was grab poor Yuffie and kiss the life out of her!" Barrett said.

Vincent's face flushed, and he yanked the collar of his cape up, angling himself away from the group so no one could see the reddening of his face. "Yes?"

"You turned into some kind of... Opposite of yourself. The doctor said it could happen as a result of the concussion. You were going around flirting with every woman you could find," Cloud continued the story.

Vincent whirled around, his eyes wide. "I..."

"You flirted with my fucking wife!" Cid cried.

"You... Um... You always flirted with me..." Tifa said quietly, her face darkening into a deep red. At this, Cloud growled.

"Yeah, you didn't care who was around."

"Yo man, and then you even started hittin' on Shelke!"

At this, Vincent collapsed and gripped his head. "I am a monster..." He muttered.

"We thought that if we gave you another concussion, we could beat sense back into you, but every time we tried to get close to you, even we began to feel your charm..." Cloud said, looking to the side awkwardly.

"Which was really fucking awkward, yo!" Barrett piped up.

"I'm not gay, by the way." Cloud leveled Vincent with a proud glare. "I'm comfortable in my relationship with Tifa."

"And I fuckin' love titties!" Barrett shouted, pounding his fist on the counter.

Vincent was at this point curled in a fetal position, twitching and flinching now and then. "I apologize... I had no idea..."

"I guess deep down inside, you're just a sexy love machine waiting to be released!" Tifa said with a smile.

"As long as you don't fucking do it around us or our women, god dammit PLEASE!" Cid yelled.

Vincent didn't seem to be paying attention. He had new sins to purge himself of. New sins to be ashamed of...

Yuffie stepped over and stooped over him, poking him gently. "Vince?"

"How will I repent?" was all that Vincent said, in a soft murmur.

She put a finger to her chin, pondering, before she got an evil smirk. "How about you release that 'love machine' you have raging inside of you, on me? That way we can be sure this will never happen again, meanwhile we will both love every moment of it!"

Vincent's eyes were still glassed over, he was lost in his own world. The others had dispersed, finally feeling free to live their lives normally again, without fear of getting romanced against their better judgment.

Frustrated at no response, Yuffie stood and began to tug at the man at her feet. He made no move to resist, and so she gleefully began to drag him up the stairs, back up to her room. Hmm... what else could she do with him? The hand-cuffs could be just the beginning... She grinned wickedly.

"I am a man of sin..." Vincent bemoaned.

* * *

><p><strong><em>The End.<em>**


End file.
